These losses brought me pain the likes of which I had never known existed, let alone felt. All that pain provided me with a new respect for fear. As with everyone, I had felt fear in the past. But this new fear, brought on by actual loss, actual pain… this was fear on steroids. I let it consume me for a time. I almost let it take me. My fear of death palled in comparison to the looming shadow of my fear of living. Aoife saved me that night on my knees, next to the bed Sasha and I had shared. She pressed an unseen pause button, which allowed me the opportunity to get a glimpse of my fear from a different perspective. It allowed me the opportunity to face, understand and finally make peace with my pain, instead of blindly running from it in fear. I thought I understood fear and pain. How one fed off the other. The dynamic between the two. That summer was the hardest of my life, up until that point. Little did I know that it was merely the tip of the proverbial iceberg. What follows is. About ninety-percent of the people in the industry have a drug problem. I guess I was lucky on that count."She thought for a few seconds and went on, "And then, there's how you feel about yourself. After a while, you realize you're just being used and objectified. One day you wake up, and all your friends are in the business, and they're all feeling the same way, and they find solace in drugs and booze, and then a couple contract AIDS, and a couple die of ODs. It's a vicious circle. The older girls start to take on clients instead of appear in films – the prostitutes, I mean."Claire suddenly saddened again, "Lastly, about a year or two before I quit I got a big shock. Someone tipped off my parents what I was doing. I don't know who, but someone sent them one of my DVDs with a note. My parents were strict - too strict, and I know now I overdid all the freedom of choice I suddenly had and made some bad decisions, but I lost them."Nadia asked, "What did your parents do?" My father and.
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